alagiak

Past month or so I would say I was a bit depressed. Hell, I was heartbroken. But I finally sat down and told my self it’s time to focus on my self. Focusing hard at work, spending time with good friends and meeting new people. I’m happy again. I can honestly say it and mean it

It’s only barely 8 days into 2013 and I’m so happy. Everything is perfect right now and I hope it only gets better from here. Please 2013 keep this up.

You always told me, “I wish you had a bad boyfriend before dating me. Then you would realize how good of a boyfriend I am”. Well, I did have a bad boyfriend that made me realize I deserve better. It was you. We were growing vastly apart and you may want to deny about seeing us breaking up…but lets be real. You only threaten to break me up everyday. You belittled me and put me down constantly. I was depressed. Everyone saw it. You never wanted to put aside what little time we had with each other and be with me. I’m moving forward in my career/life and yes, I did take a huge risk that asked a lot out of you but I asked for your permission first. You still gave me shit everyday about it and how horrible it was to help me out financially. What do you think would happen if we were married? You may have asked my father’s permission to marry me but did you ask? No. Because you didn’t want to risk it because I was going to be a tattoo artist. We don’t want the same things in life and we were only hurting each other. Sorry I figured it out before you.  

This will be the last post I ever write about this.

Not good enough to make anyone happy let alone my self. I’m a spiraling mess of shit that will just end up with nothing. Love is a losing game and I’m losing fast.

I’m a fuck up.

I drove home last night even though I was too tired. I fell asleep at the wheel and went in a ditch and hit a sign and it took out my left head light, part of my bumper and the left siding above my tire. My car still runs but I’m definitely going to have to get this shit replaced. I feel like such an idiot. I could’ve lost my life or someone else’s. I should of stayed at my friends house, had someone pick me up or talked to someone on the phone to keep me awake. I’m trying not to dwell on it and take this as a lesson and grow up and move on. 

Beyond busy and never really get a chance to update so…

• All I do is work. Which is good because I like being busy. It’s starting to wear on me a little bit but a pep talk I got recently helped me kick it into high gear
• An artist at the shop gave me an old liner machine of his. I’m crazy grateful. It’s a Next Generation liner with an aluminum frame. It’s a beauty and runs like a dream
• Turned 22 this past Wednesday and my birthday was great.
• Some how I’ve lost 10 lbs. I have no idea how. But cool beans. If I go down 7 I’ll be at my goal.
• I love my friends dearly. They keep my spirits up even though I’ve been exhausted with working and such. 
• I’m lucky to have Doug. He’s helped me a lot through all of this and I don’t know what I’d do with out him
• Though I feel like I’m always busy, I never get enough sleep, I don’t get enough time with Doug…I’m happy. I’ve got a good future ahead of me and I’ve never been happier.

going to get my tattoo apprenticeship contest packet/sign up for days to volunteer at different shops.

excited/nervous/a;sdlkfa;dlskf

• get fit again and stick to exercising everyday
• go to more festivals and shows
• travel more
• do more illustrations for myself and others
• redo my website and such and move on to bigger and better things
• more time with friends and family

I’ve always spent New Years Eve with Doug and this year he works. He has a slight chance of getting home early. But who knows…he also doesn’t really want me to go out but I really don’t want to be home alone. But I told him I really want to have a good New Years. So he finally just told me to do whatever makes me happy. But I wish there was a way to make everyone happy…

i think i dislike tuesdays more than mondays. doug works tuesday nights and so i get to go home to an empty apartment. i hate being alone. i think that’s something that scares me the most. i remember that brief time in college when doug and i took a “break”. i was so miserable and alone. it was such a scary feeling. i think loneliness is my biggest fear.